Mambo Made Easy

NEW ADVENTURES ON THE WAY

2005-11-28T16:49:00.000+02:00

Out of Zambia but not out of Africa. Act 2 takes place in the seedy streets of Kinshasa. The Congo is my new home for the next year. Time will only tell what sort of adventures will come out of my mediocre ability to speak French combined with my awful sense of judgement.

How to write and count like a black man/ white man

2004-11-10T20:48:00.000+02:00

Zenzele is one of the more interesting people here taking the course. He’s a South African born Zulu and perhaps one of the most frank speaking people I ever met. Whereas most people think twice about saying something my boy Zen just says that s**t.
Tonight we were all having dinner at a restaurant and Zen was telling me about race relation in South Africa. He then began telling me about how black people count using their hands differently than white people do, so I asked him to explain. Apparently, black people count starting with their pinky finger and white people begin with either their thumb or index finger. I doubted his theory so we tested it on our multiracial dinner group. Funny enough, he was right! But when I asked about people who are light skinned or mixed race it messed up his whole theory, he said he only deals in black and white stereotypes.
Next he claimed to be able to tell if something handwritten was done by a white person or a black person, something about the curves of the R's and J's. Again we set out to test his theory and it worked! But again he was unable to account for mixed people; in my opinion a good stereotype should cover everyone.
In addition to his thoughts on racial stereotypes he ranted on the reasons why he would never let his wife be a plumber; and that, my friends, is why I dedicate this post to my boy Zen, for whom the words “politically correct” = tyranny.

Still on the road

2004-11-07T21:14:00.000+02:00

I was woken up at 4:30am because we had reached the boarder with South Africa. But with 6 buses ahead of us in the immigration line we weren’t back on the road again until 8am. The first thing I noticed in South Africa was the quality of the roads (4 lanes and the smooth as anything). Needless to say the smooth road and boring landscape meant only one thing,… sleep! I woke up just outside of Jo’Burg.
Total travelling time: 24hours
Time spent at boarders: 5hours
Time spent sleeping: 22hours (I slept at boarder posts too)
Time spent watching driver hoping he won’t pass on yet another hill: TOO DAMN LONG!! (after a while I just stopped watching, it wasn’t good for my stress level)
We were picked up at the bus station and taken to the conference centre, where we met the other people who are taking the course and it seems like an interesting group, should be interesting.

On the road

2004-11-06T19:05:00.000+02:00

We left for Johannesburg, South Africa, for my orientation course on Kicking AIDS Out at 12pm and we arrive in Jo’Burg at 12pm tomorrow. The beginning of the ride was okay, until we got into the mountainous region of southern Zambia. The bus was going about 100km/h in winding roads and every now and again, when I would look out the window, I could see the remains of burnt out cars and buses at the bottom of the valley. Maybe it’s just me, … but that should have more of an effect than a speed limit sign, but not to our bus driver!
To be honest, the party didn’t really get started until we got stuck behind the explosives truck. Now, most times I have no problem driving behind a hazardous truck, but in these mountains staring at the “DANGER EXPLOSIVES” sign made all of us in the bus backseat drivers. Like, when the driver tried to pass a truck on a blind corner half the bus told him off, calling him a “jackass” in Chinyanja (a local language). We were stuck behind that truck for 45 minutes and arrived at the Zimbabwe boarder around 3pm. We stopped in Harare (the Zim Capital) around 8pm for a bite to eat. The conductor told us we had 30 minutes and he wasn’t joking! He began to leave without one of the passengers and people had to yell at him to get him to stop and wait (now that’s gangster).

Johannesburg bound

2004-11-03T14:56:00.000+02:00

I bought my bus ticket today and I amazed at how cheap land transport is in Southern Africa. My ticket on this 24 hour bus only cost me $40US one way (and that’s on a luxury coach!). Back in Canada I can barely get out of town for $40 let alone cross three countries.
I would imagine there are probably very good reasons why it’s so cheap (poverty withstanding), but I don’t think I really want to know what they are.
Gettin’ on the bus
Mambo

Travel plans

2004-11-02T14:33:00.000+02:00

As I have already mentioned Dukes and I are travelling to South Africa on Saturday for a workshop on HIV/AIDS. There is no money in this whole "volunteer" thing so we’ll be taking the economical option of a cramped 24 hour bus ride from Lusaka to Johannesburg. The course is for one week so, because of accumulated overtime (yes Dad I actually do work), Dukes and I decided to take a week off and take the scenic route home through Swaziland and Mozambique (also by bus of course). We have a fellow Commonwealth Games Canada intern in Swaziland so it will be nice to visit her and check out Swaziland’s Chinese food restaurant scene. Then we'll go to Mozambique to check out Maputo and spend a couple of days on a beach before bussing it north back to Zambia.
The Lonely planet guide says transportation in Northern Mozambique isn’t great ("slow" and "infrequent" were the keywords used) but how bad can it really be?
Famous last words
Mambo

Bed Netting

2004-11-01T16:16:00.000+02:00

After typing the title to this post I realize it could be easily misinterpreted, but for lack of a better title, and because I like to be risqué, I’ll just stick with it.

Ok, as some of you might know Malaria is a serious problem in Sub-Saharan Africa but taking preventative medication is mainly for foreigners so most people opt for the cheaper option of sleeping under bed nettings (to keep away mosquitoes, the main transmitters of the disease). I bought one before I left Canada, but didn’t have to put it up at my host family’s house cause they already had one (although it wasn’t treated and had holes in it so I kept getting bitten at night anyways; but that is another story). So, last night was supposed to be the big unveiling of my new mosquito netting. Well, first we put up Dukes’ netting, and there was a hole in the ceiling already so it was pretty simple. But, then I moved on to my room and looked up at the ceiling only to realize there is no hole. I tried to put a screw in the ceiling but that thing is made of straight up concrete!
So, my options were to: a.) sleep with no netting or; b.) use it as a bed sheet by covering myself with it. Well, option b) sucks so I went with the first one. Let me tell you a nicely folded mosquito netting makes a great makeshift pillow.
Doused in insect repellent and sleeping like a baby.
Mambo

Movin day

2004-10-31T19:07:00.000+02:00

Got a surprise phone call from Mama Judo this afternoon informing me that I am "shifting" (moving house) today. I was shocked cause we weren’t supposed to move in for a couple of days yet. I scrambled to quickly pack my things and I just finished when the movers showed up. It was really sad to leave my host family because after two months it was really feeling like home but at the same time I think it will be nice to have a place of my own.
The thing that sucks is that Dukes and I are heading to South Africa on Saturday for two weeks so we need to find a house sitter, because people say if we leave the place unattended for two weeks someone else will probably be living there when we get back. And I sure as hell don't want someone I don't know sprawled out on my couch eating ice cream and watching Oprah.

Only me

2004-10-28T17:41:00.000+02:00

Some people who have read my blog (actually just two people) have noted that I don’t mention work often, if at all, (my dad actually wrote me, after reading an entry, saying that have too much free time and asked if I ever do any work). Well, the main reason I don’t mention work is simply cause there isn’t much to tell. I work alone in an office with no windows and I mainly write project proposals and coordinate meetings.
Well, my supervisor from Canada came into town on Tuesday and has been in meetings with mine and Duke’s host organisations. Today we had a one on one meeting to discuss what I have been doing and the way forward from here.
She apparently feels that my host organisation isn’t “utilizing me effectively” (I’m still trying to figure out if that’s just code for “you ain’t doing s**t”). As a result she informed today that she has decided to pull me from Kicking AIDS Out and is going to be placing me with Zambia Open Community Schools (ZOCS). At ZOCS I’ll be working on a project of incorporating HIV/AIDS education into the PE curriculum of some of their Lusaka schools.
I start the new placement once I return from my HIV/AIDS education workshop in South Africa.
Fired from a volunteer job (suck on that Trump)
Mambo

Free internet and a fiancé

2004-10-27T11:29:00.000+02:00

There are lots of internet cafes in Lusaka but I tend to frequent two which are both near my work place. One of the two places I go has two girls who work there most of the time. I’ve been there with a Clem a number of times and he always tells me that these two girls really like me. I think I believe him cause a couple of times I haven’t had to pay for internet. But a few weeks ago the free internet stopped, I mean not even a free document scan! Nada.
I figured it was just because their boss is cracking down on the freebees or something.
NOPE!
Mama Judo, my supervisor and “Zambian Mother”, confessed to me today that the last time I went to the internet café with her she didn’t like the way those “fast girls” were looking at me. So she apparently told them in Bemba (one of Zambia’s 72 indigenous Languages), so that I wouldn't understand, that I have a fiancé back in Canada. When she told me I thought she was just joking but she was actually quite serious. She doesn’t seem to think I should be talking to any women unless they are approved by her first.
My only question is why does my internet access have to suffer as a result? I mean with my volunteer budget I need all the free internet access I can get.

Independence Day

2004-10-24T19:08:00.000+02:00

Today is Zambian Independence day and in fact this year is a big year cause it is the 40th anniversary of the independence from the Brits. There are events going on all around town but most people seem to be celebrating at the bars. Seems that freedom from colonialism doesn’t mean one rids oneself of such indispensable cultural imports as the great British pint of lager. So here’s to you Zambia, Happy Birthday!!!
Pouring out some liquor
Mambo

Big money baller

2004-10-22T17:30:00.000+02:00

This morning I got a call that I have to have the money for first three months rent ready by this afternoon. So, I went to the bank and made a withdrawal. Now, I was asked to pay cash with local currency so instead of a having a few crisp US bills on me I had to walk around town with about 3 million Zambian Kwacha in my backpack. I felt like a rich man until my sad realization that all that money was only a couple hundred dollars. The funny thing was that while walking around I started to get a bit paranoid and felt like everyone knew I had all this money on me. It was really weird cause I just kept feeling that everyone that looked my way knew I had the money and was plotting to rob me. Yeah, it was along walk. But on the bright side I think the paranoia was a good thing because now I can justify my broke ass existence. I mean if that is how I get walking around with a couple hundred on me then lord knows I’m better of broke. If I was rich ad successful it just might not be good for my well being.
Happily broke
Mambo

Work permit update

2004-10-20T16:17:00.000+02:00

Since my whole deportation fiasco last month I’ve been trying to get my supervisor to put in an application for my work permit (apparently I can't apply for it myself). Well it finally went in yesterday so it should be ready in two weeks, just before I leave for a workshop in South Africa. However, if it isn’t ready by then I may have a slight problem leaving and/or getting back into Zambia. So let’s keep are fingers crossed that the Lusaka immigration department is a well-oiled machine of bureaucratic efficiency.
Anyone care to pace a wager on whether or not it will be ready?

Pothole fillin’

2004-10-17T19:55:00.000+02:00

Woke up early this morning and felt that today would be a great day to go around town and discover the wonders of Lusaka. I went out in front of the house and Clem (my host family patriarch) was standing there looking at the road. He started talking about how bad the potholes are on our road and I informed him that when half the street is missing it ceases to be considered a “pothole”. Well, apparently I am wrong and when a street is missing half its pavement that which is missing is still regarded as a hole. So, we decided the logical thing was to fill a couple of the “potholes” on our road. We started at nine by crushing some unused bricks and mixing it with dirt to make our makeshift road patches. It was a good remedy but after filling 4 holes Clem says maybe we should just do a couple more. Well, 4 hours and a city block later we finally succumbed to the noontime sun and threw in the towel. Needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon recovering from heatstroke and was amazed to realize that the blisters on my hands were actually bleeding under the skin (I’m not sure how that happens but it sure as hell doesn’t seem right to me so I’m watching out for any signs of gangrene or something).
Feeling good a bout doing some community work (but I ain't doing that s**t again)
mambo

New Home

2004-10-14T14:44:00.000+02:00

Finally after about a month of searching, Dukes (a fellow Canadian volunteer) and I found a place in Lusaka to call home. They say home is where the heart is but in our case home is a two bedroom flat behind a gas station (no doubt the fear of an explosion caused by the chain smoking gas station attendants played a part in the low rent).
Of course the search didn't start and end behind the gas station, we saw a bunch of places before finding this gem. One of the funniest was a place offered by a letting agency that was going for about $300US/month and when we went to see it we were a bit surprised to find out from the owner of this no water havin’, broken bathtub, faulty electrical outlet ridden flat that he was asking for only $150US/month.
When we asked the agent about the price discrepency he just shrugged and said he didn’t actually work for the agency and was just doing a favour for his brother.
They made a galiant effort, but I’m thinking that a 100% rent increase can’t possibly be legal in any country.

Malaria Mondays

2004-10-11T14:38:00.000+02:00

Wild vivid dreams have never been a normal part of my sleep pattern so when it started happening I was wondering why. After, thinking about it I realized it was the anti-malarial pills I've been taking (the evil Mefloquine). Now, it is not just the pills cause I was taking them before and had no problems. The things is that almost every Sunday evening, for the past few weeks I have been invited out to dinner meetings for work. But you know how it is, dinner is enevitably accompanied with an offer of a beer or two. And I accept, of course every time forgetting that I have to take my Mefloquine tablet with dinner.
Note to self: Chasing a Mefloquine tablet with a pint of beer is not a good idea.
Well, since refusing to accept a beer would be just plain rude, and I’m not trying to offend anyone, the logical decision was to change my anti-malarial pill day to Monday mornings. I figure that if I start my mornings with a beer or two then I have a whole new set of problems to deal with.
Dreaming normal once again
Mambo

Join The International SSSC

2004-10-10T21:27:00.000+02:00

So, some Norwegians, some Canadians and a Belgian all get together one Sunday and the International SSSC is born. We were all at the house of the Right to Play volunteers and while reading through a local Lusaka magazine that tells you what’s going on around town. I expressed interest in going to a meeting of the Embassy Spouses club. I thought it would be interesting to go there, tell them I had a wife working at the High Commission and shoot the proverbial s**t with the other spouses. I asked if anyone was interested and of course a few people said yes. So we thought up an idea where every Sunday we get together and do some stupid s**t; thus was born the Sunday Stupid S**t Club (or SSSC for short). We decided with that acronym we could also do things on Saturday because it starts with S as well.
Anyways, I was appointed president of both the International and Zambian chapters and others received various titles (the most coveted being the Logistics Officer). If you wish to apply for accreditation simply state your proposed first activity and you base country and you are in. I should note that I know of a few people who, by virtue of past activities receive automatic membership: Yellow Peril, Ms. Jackson, and my Brixton family (all of whom are always up for some stupid s**t no matter what day).
Note: it was ruled that you can convene the SSSC on any day of the week if you can find a language in which that day starts with an S.
President Mambo

Fired!!!

2004-10-08T20:43:00.000+02:00

President Mwanawasa fired his Vice President, Nevers Mumba (no known relation to Samantha), the other day for making accusations about neighbouring Congo. When I heard the news I was excited to see the press conference cause I figured it would be quite something. I think it was just about the most boring thing I have ever watched on TV. There was a guy who kept falling asleep in the background and that was pretty funny but that was about it. Anyways, while watching the press conference I learned that this wasn't even the first time Mwanawasa has fired a vice president. Aparently, he fired the first one in 2003 and appointed Mumba in his place, now Mumba is fired and some new guys is vice prez. How is that for job insecurity?

Mamba vs. Mambo (and mo’ Chinese food)

2004-10-07T05:53:00.001+02:00

Don’t mistake the title for a battle between myself and the lovely Irish/Zambian singer Samantha Mumba. No, no, this is a case of man vs. reptile.
The day began with our meeting between the Kicking AIDS Out, the National Olympic Committee and the Zambian Red Cross. The meeting went well and we will have to see what comes out from this newly formed partnership. It is a trickle down effect of the larger partnership between the International Red Cross and the International Olympic Committee, …blah, blah, blah (okay I’ll stop).
Anyways, we went back to the farm and Grandma Sakala said she was taking out to dinner in Ndola. And what do you know she wants to take us out for Chinese!! I have at this point decided to take note of all the Chinese restaurants I can find around the world in the most unexpected places (please feel free to comment on some of the unexpected places you might have found one). Anyways, I drove us to the Hong Kong Restaurant and if you happen to go there someday go for the Sichuan Chicken or the Crispy Fried Duck, both are safe bets.
Ok, so when we get back we sit down for a spell and then everyone goes to their rooms to get ready for bed. I had just gotten into my PJs when I hear Grandma Sakala scream my name for help. I go running to the study and ask what’s wrong. She points to her bedroom door and screams snake!
Now I look over at the door and think to myself I seen one of these before, they are just little black garden snakes. So I walk over to it and say:
“This little thing?”
“Watch out that is a black mamba, even the small ones are very poisonous.” She says.
With that bravado killing information she hands me a 3 foot long club to kill it with. I move a little closer to it and that was when it turned towards me so, I slowly backed up (okay, I jumped back). I then tell her I don’t really want to die today. So she goes to get one of the farm hands.
I stay there keeping an eye on the snake so we don't loose track of it, but it starts to go into the bedroom. I start thinking if it disappears in the bedroom no one will be able to sleep tonight, so I lunge at it with the club. With my inept hand eye coordination I miss and it turns towards me. At this point it is clearly pissed off and it begins to raises its body. I lunged again and this time hit it!! And I kept hitting it until it stopped moving. Yup, you read it right, brown Mambo killed a black Mamba.
Anyways, for one night I was a hero and Mama Judo kept talking about it all evening. Grandma Sakala just kept insisting that I visit again soon cause she hates snakes and need someone to kill them. I won’t lie like I wasn’t scared though; that night I kept having nightmares that its family was coming for me (and this time the nightmares weren't from the Mefloquin tablets).
Slayin snakes
Mambo

Ndola or Bust

2004-10-06T04:58:00.000+02:00

We left his morning for Ndola, myself, my supervisor (aka Mama Judo) and a fellow intern. We are heading up north for a meeting with the National Olympic Committee and the Zambian Red Cross Society. My supervisor drove until we got about and hour out of town and then she handed the keys over to me. Not a problem cause this car is automatic (please refer to post titled "Diesel Sucks!"). I drove the rest of the way to the Sakala farm. It was a smooth drive except for when I drove over some train tracks, which I think double as speed bumps. I got stopped at one of the road blocks and they asked to see my driving license. Now, I’m from Quebec, my driving license is in French. It was funny to watch this officer look at my license trying to figure it out. After a minute he handed it back to me and said I could go. I could be wrong, but I get the feeling he wasn’t really sure if what I gave him was even a driving license. Next time I think I’ll give out my medicare card and see what happens, so if you never hear from me again you’ll know that I ran into an officer who could read French.
The Sakala farm is amazing and Grandma Sakala (she insists that I call her that) has to be one of the most welcoming people I have ever met. She said she was going to take us to a local pub and when we all went out to the car she said:
“Mambo you drive.”
“Sure no problem.” I figure if I can drive here from Lusaka I can drive to the local pub. But when I opened the door I saw it ... a gear shift!
“No, no, I don’t drive standard well.”
“Nonsense.” She says “You’ll do fine, just get in.”
She really wouldn’t take no for an answer but this was a nice new Mitsubishi Galant so I was scared to wreck it. But I gave it a try and while driving that car I realized something. The gear box of the Toyota Hilux 4X4 I’ve been learning on sucks! I drove that Mitsubishi all evening and it never stalled. I feel that I can now drive anywhere in the world, automatic or standard. The world is my oyster (I don’t really know what that means exactly, why an oyster. If you can explain please do).
Drivin standard
Mambo

Laundry day

2004-10-04T03:20:00.000+02:00

It is funny how when you have to wash all your clothes by hand you find yourself wearing a shirt more than once, and more than twice for that matter. Washing machines are available here but you gots to have some serious cash money to have one of them. And no one I know has one, otherwise I would have been at their house today, fo sho!
After washing my clothes I went to play some basketball at the courts behind my work place. I decided to jog there (I don’t know why I do such stupid things). But I now know why I only ever see people jogging early in the morning,… IT’S DAMN HOT AT ANY OTHER TIME OF DAY! I mean when you are walking it is ok but when you want to jog for a few kilometres you begin to sweat just a tad. Anyways, I was playing ball with some of the boys from around the area and afterwards they asked me if I would coach their basketball team. Now anyone who knows me, or has seen me play basketball, stop laughing cause I’m not kidding. I told them I would think about it and let them know at their next practice. But I'm thinking that I should do it. So if you have any coaching advice drop me a line. If I coach them well enough maybe I can get them into the 2005 Rough & Ready b-ball tournament (shout out to my Brixton peoples, you chaps should really get it set up for 2005).
Coach Mambo

Just a work day

2004-10-02T02:46:00.000+02:00

Today we held an information meeting for Kicking AIDS Out (KAO). We invited all the major national sports associations and got a good turn out. The idea is to introduce the KAO network to the associations and show them how the KAO concept of HIV/AIDS education through sport can work for them. The problem that arises is with monitoring the implementation of the KAO activities, but this was a good first step.
I met the chairman of the National Sports Council of Zambia, who is also State Council and represents the President of Zambia in court. He is a very nice man and extremely humble, he invited me to stay at his farm just outside of Ndola, which is in the north of the country near the boarder with Congo. Well as luck would have it my supervisor (aka Mama Judo) told me to today that we’ll be going to Ndola next week for a meeting. So it looks like we’ll be staying with the Sakala’s. A farm should be a nice change of pace.

Rhinos, Malaria and Chinese food

2004-09-29T05:40:00.001+02:00

We all woke up this morning at 5:30 so we could go to the national park early and see the animals. Apparently they are quite busy as you get closer to noon, so it is best to go early if you want to see them. We saw all sorts of animals, buffaloes, antelopes, baboons (those damn baboons) and elephants, who blocked the road at one point and we just waited cause they are hella big animals.
But perhaps the most interesting were the rhinos. The park has three rare white rhinos who are under 24 hour guard because of fears about poachers. After a while we finally found the rhinos, and the armed guards were walking along right behind them, but there were only two rhinos. Oh well, we figured the other one must be near. But on our way out of the park a ranger stopped our truck and asked us:“Have you seen a rhino around?”Yeah, no word of a lie, they lost one of the rhinos and were on a mad search to find it. Now, a rhinos is a big animal, someone must have really been sleeping to let that thing get out of sight.Well, after the park we went back to Victoria Falls (glorious!) cause Rune wanted to bungee jump of the bridge (125 meter drop!!). I was going to do it with him but without my papers it was too much of a hassle, I’ll do it next time ;-)Anyways, all morning Rune was complaining about feeling sick but he wanted to do the jump anyways. So being the good friend we are, we supported the possibility of him being sick while in mid air over the Zambezi. So he jumped, without spewing into the river and after the jump we took him to the hospital. Turns out homeboy has malaria!!! What a trooper.To cap off our Livingstone trip we decided to go out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. So it was off to the Laughing Dragon for us (minus Rune of course, he was sleeping). The Kung Pao Chicken was good I would recommend it. If you ever go there ask for the owner/chef named Yuong and tell him Mambo sent you. I met Yuong at the immigration office, I guess I’m not the only one having trouble with getting a work permit.On our way back to LusakaMambo

Persona Non-Grata (part 4): The final chapter

2004-09-28T03:58:00.000+02:00

Ok, here we go. I walked into the immigration office at 10am and stated my case to the very tall and very large immigration woman who opted to sit on the visitors waiting bench rather than constrict her girth behind the confines of a desk. Anyways, she was quite pleasant as she explained that is going to issue me a court order to appear at the Lusaka immigration office within two days. Wow, this has all become far too complicated. She informs me that I can refuse the order and leave the country if I wish.
“No, no, I’ll take the order.” I say with an uncomfortable laugh.
I give her my passport and she looks it over.
“Wow, your birthday is one month before mine.” (what are the odds?)
She begins to ask me all kinds of questions about my background and my family, all while flipping her hair and looking at me kinda funny (like she’s gasses up or something). She starts to tell me about this restaurant around the corner and how good it is and it’s at that point that it clicks…; I think she is flirting with me!
I ain’t trying to piss this woman off so I start asking her about her family and stuff like that and as a line begins to form behind me she gives me back my passport and tells me that she’s done.
“Thanks, so I have to appear at immigration by Wednesday?”
“Well I decided to give you two months stay, instead. But you should …” I didn’t really hear the rest of what she said cause all that mattered was that I now have a two month visa of some sort. She stamped something that says I can stay in the country for 60 days!!! How cool is that?
Here’s to you Naomi, the girl who saved my ass in Zambia.
It's been quite a journey, can't wait for my next adventure.
Still Legal
Mambo

P.S. – if you need a Zambian Visa I now have a solid hook-up.

Persona Non-Grata (part 3)

2004-09-27T05:09:00.000+02:00

Today was my D-day and this is how it went down.
We began the day by hitchhiking back to the nun’s lodge because a couple of us went out last night and didn’t make the curfew so we crashed out with some backpackers at a campsite just outside of town. Zambia is a hot place but at 5am it is damn cold!!! We caught a lift from some South Africans, who really didn’t want to give us a lift at first but had a change of heart when they realized we were just some dumb as stranded foreigners.
After getting some much needed rest Rune and I headed for Victoria Falls while the others went to some business meeting. The plan was to visit the falls in Zambia and then check the other side in Zimbabwe (oh and we are going to try and bribe the customs guy so I don’t have to stay in Zimbabwe).
First off let me tell you all, … Victoria Falls is one of the most glorious (shout out to the Yellowperil) sites I have ever seen. It is one of the eight wonders of the world and deserves the title. Watching the water cascade of the cliffs we were in awe and took far too many pictures, well over a hundred.
Ok, back to my deportation story. So we leave the falls after being stalked by a couple of baboons that just ended up mating near the exit gate (they were a weird couple). We walk over to the boarder and I attempt to check out of Zambia at which point the customs guy asks “so you are leaving Zambia?”
I tell him we’re coming back later today at which point he tells me that I won’t be allowed to return to Zambia if I leave.
“excuse me?”
He explains that you can only have a business OR visitors visa once per year. So if I leave I can come back next September!
“certainly there is something you can do for me here?” (that is my lame ass attempt at offering a bribe)
“NO, there is nothing we can do here; you have to go to the Livingstone Immigration centre tomorrow.”
So now, I have to walk into the immigration office tomorrow with an expired visa.
We went out for dinner tonight and they all toasted to my illegal status as of midnight tonight.

Persona Non-Grata (part 2)

2004-09-26T04:54:00.000+02:00

I saw the light at the end of the tunnel today and it was on the front of a green 2002 Land Rover!!! So, we left Lusaka at 1:30pm and we were running late so Shula, the driver of the twin-cab pick-up truck that all five of us grown-ass-men squished into, drove faster to make up for the time. Now, 160 km/h on a well paved road is considered speeding in most places but on the jacked up road to Livingstone it is just plain lunacy! So at one point we are coming up a hill behind a semi-truck and Shula decides he wants to pass (did I mention we were going up the hill? AND that we can’t see what’s coming over the hill!). While he is overtaking the semi truck a Land Rover comes over the hill, as we all simultaneously loose our cool the woman driving the Land Rover brakes, at the last minute, just in time for Shula to swerve in front of the semi-truck. OK, new rule, no passing on blind corners OR hills!!!
We eventually made it to Livingstone just before nightfall. Our lodge is very cheap cause we are really just staying in the guest house of some nuns from a church one of the guys knows. The nuns have set our curfew at 10pm. They can’t be serious can they?

Persona Non-Grata (part 1)

2004-09-25T06:39:00.000+02:00

As we (got a lift from a friend) turned into the parking lot of the Lusaka immigration building I had bad flashbacks of waiting all day in line at the immigration centre in London, UK. But funny enough this place was not busy at all. We walked up stairs to the visa section where I am supposed to get an extension in my holiday visa. It is good for 30 days but can be extended three times. The plan is to extend it while my work permit is being processed (although it is illegal cause I shouldn’t be working without a permit).
“I can’t extend this visa, it is a business visa.” Said the woman behind the desk.
“What do you mean I can’t extend it?” I ask.
“A business visa cannot be extended, either you have a work permit of I will have to declare you to leave the country.” She replied.
Ok now the funny thing is not only do I not have a permit but it hasn’t even been applied for yet. Oops. This is a problem.
“But, the visa expires on Sunday the 26th, I can’t get a permit by then.”
“Well you either have a permit or you have to leave the country.”
OK, then. Houston we have a problem.
It seems that the guy at the airport gave me a business visa because I told him I was coming here to volunteer with Kicking AIDS Out. I was supposed to lie and tell him I was just a tourist but no one told me.
After quite an extensive amount of deliberation and consultation with co-workers, it has been decided that the best thing for me to do is to leave the country. But where should I go? It is finally decided that I should catch a lift with some guys going to Livingstone and from there cross over into Zimbabwe. It is suggested that I spend a night in Zimbabwe and cross back after my visa has expired, or else, if I want to comeback the same day, I could try and bribe the customs guys when I’m coming back into Zambia (this was a suggestion from a cop friend). Haha, this is getting better and better. So that’s the plan. We leave tomorrow at noon.
Everyone here is loving this, I am the butt of every joke,… it is kinda funny though

Diesel Sucks!

2004-09-12T14:13:00.000+02:00

Driving on the right hand side, or driving on the left, what’s the big difference? I figure it can’t be that tough, so I set out this morning with Chomba (Clement’s nephew) to learn how to drive, shifting gear with the left hand. It was proving to be a lot easier than I expected when the diesel engine just decided to stop. After a few unsuccessful attempts to start it up we realize that it is out of gas. Leaving Chomba to guard the car I walked back to the house ashamed to report on the situation to Clement.
After lugging the gas back to the car we siphoned it into the tank and tried to fire up the jeep. But, it wouldn’t start. That's funny, let’s try it again,… still nothing. Ooookay we have a problem here. After trying a push start we realize that being out of gas isn’t the problem, there are other issues at work here.
“So, what do we do now, call for a tow truck?” I ask.
Laughter was the only response I got. We’re going to have to push this sucker back home. Now, the good news is that the house is at the bottom of a hill, the bad news is we’re on the wrong side of that hill.
While pushing that heavy bastard, there were many moments when I wished it would just magically turn into a Mini or a Pinto (or at least maybe if that guy that was walking past us could have helped push, although, him saying "good morning" did give us the moral support we so desperately needed).
We pushed that damn SUV for 2 hours and then we were so damn tired that we just crashed for the rest of the day.
*thinking* if this sh*t happens again, I don't need to learn to drive that badly.

Missing, one brown snake, if found …

2004-09-09T02:06:00.000+02:00

Not much to report today except to say that Ray and I went to check on the snake (that poisonous Brown Mamba we beat up and left for dead in the backyard) in the morning but it was gone. Umm, does anyone know if snakes can remember things?
You know, all of a sudden malaria mosquitoes are no longer my number one concern.
*thinking* I should be searching e-bay for some antivenin.

To kill a Mamba

2004-09-08T04:48:00.000+02:00

So, how many men does it take to kill a snake? Well, I happen to know that it takes five. All the men in the house jumped up and flew out the door when we heard Ray cry out “Snake! Snake!”(flew out the door = tentatively sauntered outside, mostly out of guilt that Ray might need help). When we got outside Ray pointed to the spot where he saw the snake, but it was nighttime and we couldn’t see anything. So, Ray turned on the lights and BAMM, there it was, an effing Brown Mamba (now, the Black Mamba is the infamous deadly one but I assure you that getting stung by it’s poisonous brown cousin is not on my to do list while I’m here).
After identifying the serpent Clement grabbed a two-foot long iron bar (strictly for show, cause there was no way he was going to get that close to the snake), Kizito grabbed a long stick and Victor and I watch to make sure everything went smoothly. With a six-foot long branch Kizito began the task of bludgeoning the snake from a safe distance (although, not as safe as Victor and mine’s observing distance). So with the snake stunned Clement picked it up with the stick and took it to an open area where he poured hot water on it to kill it (I never saw that on the nature channel). With the snake dead we warrior men returned to the interior of the house. Once inside Kizito told us “you guys should burn the snake tomorrow because they usually travel in pairs and the other one might be attracted by the dead ones scent,” … awkward silence … “okay well I have to go home now, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
Yeah umm, thanks man, I know I’ll really sleep better knowing that completely unnecessary piece of information.
Wondering, ... are snakes vengeful?

Clubbin & brothel hoppin

2004-09-05T05:49:00.000+02:00

People had been telling me that Club Phoenix was the place to be in Lusaka, so I gathered Clement (my host family patriarch) and the rest of the troops and we went clubbin. Of course, I being the only one of the crew who is not from Lusaka should not have been the one choosing the club; as we discovered when we walked in and, like a scene out of a movie, everyone turned to look at us (and by everyone I mean the waitress, the bartender and the couple at table six). "Yeah this place isn't usually good on Fridays!" said Andy (advice that should have been shared earlier).
Next stop, … Club Family!
This place shouldn’t be called a club because technically it isn’t. We walked in and I started walking up the stairs, “no man, it’s right here” said Andy pointing at the door to the food market. Yeah, that’s right Club Family is actually a grocery store that is open 24/7 and sells beer at anytime so people just go there to hang out (the funniest thing is that the place is packed!).
NEXT!!!
Okay, here we go Club Alpha looks promising cause it is actually a bar. We walk in and I notice that a couple of girls are looking at me. Hey, hey, hey I start thinking I’m the man. But, then Andy walks over and says “watch out for those girls over there their prostitutes, most of the girls here are!”
Thanks for bringing me to a brothel Andy!! But hey, at least the beer was cheap.
Back on the wagon,
Mambo

Long One!

2004-09-03T18:43:00.000+02:00

Take a deep breathe if you feel like reading all this cause its kinda long (don’t worry if you don’t want to read it all cause there is no quiz). Where do I begin? Well, first off I arrived safe and sound in Lusaka Last Friday, August 27th, after a marathon flight that began Tuesday evening. It was good to arrive and get my bags, or should I say my bag because only one of them arrived (cut open, although there was nothing of value inside so the didn't take anything, but I am missing one roll of dental floss). Anyways, It is now Friday and I am still trying to find out what happened to my other bag, but I think it decided to have a long lay-over in Nairobi. My naive side saiys maybe it will arrive one day, if not Kenya Airways might decide to give me a few dollars for my loss, but apairently there's no guarantee of that. Thank goodness it didn’t have anything important inside of it except all my pants. **Note to self** don’t pack all the pants in one bag and all the shirts in the other (in case you are wondering I have the shirt bag with me here in Lusaka).

Lusaka is amazing, the people are some of the most welcoming I have ever met. And I have met so many people in less than a week. But if you know me then you know my memory doesn’t have the greatest storage capacity so it is a bit tough trying to remember everyone.

So far one of the most amazing things I have noticed about this place is how despite being in impoverished conditions everyone shares what little they have (I have gained weight in just a few days from all the food people have been forcing on me). I'm staying with a family of 10 making it a very busy, but hella fun household to live in. I have a room with a single bed that I share with various insects, but they respect my personal space so were cool. My mosquito bed netting is in my bag that’s chillin’ somewhere in Nairobi so they gave me one of their extra ones, so no nocturnal malaria mosquitoes have gotten to me yet.

Before leaving I was wondering if getting hot water was going to happen but that isn’t a problem cause I bathe from a bucket so you just boil water on the stove. I don't boil the water for a lack of hot water but because the water from the hot water tap is orange (bad pipes). The funny thing is before leaving I wasn’t sure how I would adjust but I am quite happy with my living arrangement, at least I don’t have to go and fetch my water, which is quite normal here even though it is a large city (the guy who unblocked my cell phone so I could use it here lives on the top floor of his building and the water just doesn’t reach up there, ain't gravity a bitch).

MADE IT!!!

2004-08-31T21:54:00.000+02:00

Ticket to Zambia - Don't know didn't pay for it.
Cost of Taxi from Airport - Don't know someone picked me up.
Seeing everyone laugh when I asked if my bag that got stuck in Nairobi will arrive in a few days - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!

Halfway there

2004-08-26T01:45:00.000+02:00

Tuesday night - Left Montreal for London, England (en route to Zambia)
Wednesday morning - Arrived in London

Plan for Wednesay - Go into London to see some friends for the day before heading back to airport for my evening flight to Nairobi.

You know, ... things don't always go according to plan, but usually you like the major things to go smoothly. I mean if you plan to go to club A on Saturday night and end up at club B instead, no big deal, right? But when you plan to be back at Heathrow airport in time to catch your connecting flight to Kenya and you miss that sucker, it's a bit more of a problem. That is what I thought but in the end it isn't that big of a deal because they simply scheduled me onto a flight the next day from London to Nairobi, however there are no seats left on the connecting flight from Nairobi to Lusaka, Zambia. So brotha man here might get held over in Nairobi for a day or two. Well, I don't know anyone in Nairobi, but I'm sure a brotha walking around with a backpack two suitcases and look of "what the hell am I going to do in Nairobi" on his face is bound to make lots of friends.
*Here's to hoping someone misses the flight and I can get their seat (one bad turn deserves another).

Well, I thought it was funny

2004-08-21T02:36:00.000+02:00

Have you ever cracked a joke and thought it was hilarious, but soon realise you are the only one laughing? Well, I sure have and it happened recently. I was feeling rather witty the other day because I was getting ready to go out with a few friends, who I don't get to hang out with often, and I went to the corner store to get some booze. While on the way I realized I only had $10 on me so I needed to get a low cost 6-pack. I walked into the store and sauntered up to the counter and said to the guy standing behind it:
"I'd like a 6-pack of your cheapest hooch my good man."
Haha, the line still cracks me up (although a little less everytime). Anyways, the guy gave me nothing! Just a blank stare as he pointed to where the beer was and said Wildcat is $6.99. This guy didn't even flinch at my hilarious phrase. I mean the line is great cause hooch by definition is already cheap, so "cheap hooch" is just plain silly!!! Anyways, it really put me off since it was my first joke of the night and it went nowhere. I know I'm not a comedian but when you're working with golden lines like that one I think you should get a better response.

Anyways, lesson learned; no more wasted jokes on the cornerstore guy who has clearly allowed the mutiple brain freezes from his slushy addiction to effect his sense of hunour.

Keepin' it real is tuffer than it looks

2004-08-15T02:12:00.000+02:00

Some of you might be shocked to find this out but I haven't quite figured out just how to keep it real yet. However, I do know that it must be tough, cause everyone who says they are keepin it real seem to be angry at all the people who aren't keepin it real. Does that mean you always gotta keeps it real, or is most of the time sufficient? Can my reality change, thus changing my keepin it real status at the same time? This is a very complicated issue. I would even venture a guess that many of the people claiming to keep it real are really just keeping it questionable at best.

I think one should only be required to keep it real when on a first date. My reason for this is two fold. On one hand it will make for a much more interesting date (any number of crazy scenarios could occur) and on the other hand it would help eliminate false 'good matches'; you know how when you go on a first date and the person is cool as ice and then by the fourth or fifth date (depends on their level lunacy) they flip on you and tell you: "Enough with the chinese food already, you're not even Chinese! Don't you eat anything else, for godsake?". Well, it might not happen exactly like that for you but you get my drift.

Here's to keepin it questionable.

*thinking to myself* - this posting is a good example of why I shouldn't blog when I clearly have nothing to say.

number of times the words keep and real apprear together in this posting: 10

Zambia or bust

2004-08-11T16:02:00.000+02:00

Wow, I am just realizing that two weeks from today I will be on my way to Lusaka, Zambia. Yeah, for those who don't know I gots myself an internship working with an organization called Kicking Aids Out. I am looking forward to heading off and can't wait to get there, but I still have some last minute errand to finish before I leave. But at least I finally got all my shot and my malaria medication.

Speaking of my malaria medication I am on some once a week pills called Mefloquine and let me tell you I am worried about the possible side effects of the pills, but in the end my fear of Malaria is greater. Check out these crazy side effects (actually quote):

-Stomach pains, nausea, diarrhea, headache, dizziness.
-If you experience uneplained anxiety, depression, restlessness or irritability or confusion, stop taking this medicine and consult a doctor immediately.

Are they for real? Is this the best they can do? "Restlessness", "confusion" these are not minute side effects, those are the kinda effects you experience when you're on ecstasy or some othe upper (not that I know personally that is just what I hear).

Anyways, I am looking forward to tripping off my malaria pills, if you want some I can hook you up too. But be warned the manufacturer precautions that if you have a history of mental illness in your family you shouldn't take these pills. Oh well, I like to live in the wild side.

Still hella fine

2004-08-09T15:38:00.000+02:00

Catwoman may be an awful movie but I still gots love for Ms. Halle Berry. That's why as soon as I'm done writing this I'll be on my way to the video store to rent Swordfish and Die Another Day (she was hella fine in those two movies).

Incedently, on the Internet Movie Database's website Catwoman was voted the 44th worst movie of all time sandwiched somehwhere between Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach and Teen Wolf Too. For some funny reason I don't think I should hold my breathe for Catwoman 2.

*in case you are curious the movie voted the worst movie of all time is The Wild World of Batwoman (1966), I am sorry to say I have never seen, or even heard of, this quality flick, but it sounds kinda kinky.

And if anyone has seen Harold and Kumar go to White Castle let a brother know how it is.

Never wanted to be first anyways!

2004-08-07T03:41:00.000+02:00

A friend of mine recently asked his girlfriend to marry him and in the same week he bought a house. Now, I am happy for him and all but I gotta say it is a bit greedy to take first place honours in two categories at the same time. For those of you who don't understand let me explain.

We have a close group of guys who hang out together, about five of us. Now, up until a couple of weeks ago we were all chillin' and none of us had a fiance, a house, or kids. But all of a sudden homeboy changed the game and became the first one to get a house and to get engaged. Again, I must say I am madd happy for him but what about the rest of us? At this point all we have to look forward to is being the first in line to have a kid and I know none of us is trying win that race.

I know this isn't supposed to be a competition but I think with guys, especially oppressed, heterosexual, black (or insert your minority here) males there is always some level of competition (but that is a whole other entry). Not that I thought I would be the first one married or to own a house, but I liked having a chance. No one wants to be the second one to get married cause then you just look like a follower (sorry to whoever in our crew is going to be second in line), and the same goes for becoming the second homeowner. With the kids thing it is a bit different cause most guys in their 20's are not in a hurry to start a family. Kids cost money, time and your friends begin to screen your calls cause you usually only want to talk about 'the baby' (note: this wears off by the second child for most parents).

Here's to becoming the first guy to retire from working! Just have to get a steady job first.

Camp-out with women at your own risk

2004-07-29T16:10:00.000+02:00

Disclaimer - I know this looks bad because this is already a second reference to Anchorman but I had to drop this gem in here for my homegirl the Yellow Peril.

So this past weekend I was catching up on my wilderness survival skills, something all Canadians do regularly, by watching a 1980's video called "Stay Alive". Well, I nearly fell of my chair when the following exchange took place between the host and a North American bear expert (refer to Anchorman scene when the guys are giving reasons why women shouldn't be in the newsroom):

Host - Are Women who are having their menstral periods more at risk with bears?

Celibate Bear Expert guy -There, there, there's some indication that that's true. Especially with Grizzly bears, uhhh, with Black bears it's a little harder to tell. But certainly there's oders at that time.

Ohhhh, Yeah you read it correctly. I actually rewound the video and wrote down the exact quote, nothing added in or taken out! So you read it here first fellas next time you go camping with your lady beware, if a bear starts following you don't run just get away from your woman. Reality is just as funny if not funnier than fiction.

Chest hair and jive talk

2004-07-22T17:11:00.000+02:00

Finally saw Anchorman this past weekend and the laugh were a plenty! Good stuff that Will Ferrell is, a funny man indeed. Well after watching it I thought to myself what a revolution it would be to bring back that quintessential 70's symbol of masculinity, ... chest hair. So from this day forth, until someone embarassingly points out the stupidity of my ways, I'm wearing my tuft(s) of chest hair wih pride. I was watching Oprah the other day and some selfhelp guru or whatever they are was saying I should love me, although I thought I was I guess it wasn't enough.
But what would a 70's revival of chest hair be without bringing back jive talk you turkies! You damn skippy Imma start jivin' with the best of em. Now all I need is some gold around my neck and I am set to break all the pretty ladies' hearts.
sho 'nuff

Salsa, salsa, salsa

2004-07-16T19:45:00.000+02:00

Since I am trying again to start a blog I thought I would once again rekindle my ambition to learn how to salsa dance. A few years ago I tried to learn but stopped going to lessons after a month of learing. So last night I started again and wow do I ever suck at salsa.

I went to this club that offers free lessons and for those of you who have never gone to a free salsa lesson let me tell you, you get what you pay for. The basic structure is each lesson they try and teach you one full move (some spins and twirls, or in my case some stumbling and almost dropping your partner). Everyone stands in a circle and the men switch partner by moving one to the left while the women remain in their spot. So sometimes it is cool cause you are dancing with an mildly attractive woman (there are no hot girls at free lessons) but then comes that dreaded word switch and you look to the left and this 58 year old seahorse looking woman is smiling at you while she wraps her arms around your waist. But hey,... ITS FREE!!!!!

Besides maybe once I learn how to dance salsa I can finally get a woman to dnace with me for at least one full song. Cause usually midway through a song the girl I am dancing with stops dancing and says:"thank you for the dance"
Me: "yeah but the song isn't over yet."
Her: "yeah I had a good time too, thanks"
Me (after she's walked away): "why does that always happen to me?"

Cirque De Soleil

2004-07-13T02:18:00.000+02:00

I didn't even get close enough to see the damn stage. I realized last night that punctuality actualy counts for something. But to be honest I didn't know that so many people would be going to watch the Cirque De Soleil last night. I watch the show on a big screen TV from around the corner where the action was. As close as I could get considering the crowd was over 200,000 people deep.

All in all it was a good show very interesting. There was a guy and girl team that did a whole balancing act. Things like the guy doing a push up with his legs straight out and not touching the ground and the girl on his back! Yeah, that guy is my new hero so today I decided I want to grow up and be strong like him so I did some push ups but I got a twitch in my left bicep and deicided to call it a day. With such dogged determination, it is a wonder that I have had three failed attempts at this blog thing since April.

Let's do it again

2004-07-12T01:32:00.000+02:00

Today I have decided to start fresh with a new blog. This will be my third, or maybe fourth, time trying to keep up with writing regularly. Hopefully I can make it stick this time, but don't be surprised if I just stop.
No funny story to tell today but hopefully I will have one later after I go to the Jazz Festival and watch the Cirque De Soleil, for free may I add. Yes ladies, what a winner I am, not only do I go to stuff like Cirque De Soleil but on a date you wouldn't even have to pay! Charming, huh?

Well, I'll report on the event at O nine-hundered hours.
Mambo